shades of February

I'm not sure how to get these feelings organized into words. And I'm not really going to worry too much about it. (If you're not into rapid fire analogies I would sit this one out.)

It's funny to me now that I once worried I wouldn't learn as much or progress as quickly at home as I did on my mission. A day hasn't come and gone without a new discovery and a connection with Heaven somehow. That's what matters isn't it?

Life has a new feel to it. A heaviness settling on my shoulders, a tear waiting in my eye, far-reaching thoughts continually trickling through my mind. It feels like an increase in gravity. It forces me to take my time. Things that once seemed simple now require increased effort. But I know it's supposed to be this way. I think this weightiness comes as a friend. It stops me from floating away. It reminds me of the significance of these moments. It's a long look into my eyes that leaves me wanting to be better. It's a plea for me to pause before I make decisions that will impact my forever. 

Things have admittedly become more complicated. Perhaps I've made them that way. It kinda sounds something I would do. Or it might be a result of everything ahead feeling wide open. I'm at a point in life where I'm supposed to be finding something though all I see is vast open spaces. I'm always looking around for something familiar, something to help me orient myself. I simply can't take an educated step forward without first looking back. I spend a lot of time with memories. I ache for them sometimes, but mostly I'm empowered by them. I can hardly find anything in those memories other than faith. Quietly woven through everything. I must use that faith to create, rather than hoping to stumble upon something when all I can see around me is horizon.  

I've learned this complex, heavy feeling is a package deal. It comes with an abundance of beautiful things. Belly laughs, doubts, 3 AM epiphanies, heartache, long talks, understanding, confidence and a lack thereof, questions, answers, unshakable love, connections, and I'm not sure if it's related or not but there seems to be a lot of dancing. 

With each new experience, with each new feeling, with each new challenge, I feel like I'm being introduced to a new color. Sometimes the color is funny, sometimes it reminds me of something that makes my eyes sting, sometimes this color causes a new kind of pain, sometimes I think this color is the most beautiful one I've ever seen. But no matter what shade it is, once I've experienced it, it becomes mine. It's a part of me. And once it's mine, I can paint with it for the rest of my life. I can use it to create with greater detail. I recognize it like an old friend when I see it again. I can appreciate when I see others who paint with this color too. 

I guess if we strip this down, I'm suggesting that life is wonderful. No, it's not as flowery and golden as I'd like it to be, but I quite literally thank God for that. Life couldn't be beautiful if it didn't suck sometimes. That's how we learn, that's how we discover, that's how we feel. Right now, I feel a little lost, and a lot happy. I feel overwhelmed and full of hope. I feel stressed, and wonderful, and alive. Whatever you're feeling now, I invite you to embrace it. Know whether good or bad, it won't last forever. This is your chance. Whatever you're going through, it has a purpose. This feeling is life reaching out to you. So feel it, let it change you in the best ways, and then paint.