the best of 28 days

Spent 10 days adventuring around Dallas with my brother and his girlfriend. It was so amazing to see this city. But more amazing to spend time with them. We enjoyed a lot of awesome stuff together. City views, museums, the best barbecue and Tex mex to grace my taste buds, and just countless simple memories getting to be together. 

Naomi went to Disney and FaceTimed me so I could see the Fireworks. Friendship at it's finest. 



I've done a lot of soul searching in the wee hours of the morning this month. One night I pulled into my driveway at about 10:30 and I just knew I wasn't going to sleep. I stayed up all night de-cluttering, listening to podcasts and music, and thinking. I went down to the beach at 6 AM and listened to Tongan hymns and watched the sunrise. Real life magic. 



I had been thinking about chopping my hair off for about a month. When it first occurred to me I completely rejected the idea. I thought it was insanity. Long hair is kinda my thing and has been for a while. But I woke up on February 14th and just knew I had to cut my hair as soon as possible. I didn't know when I would find time in my day. But then I miraculously got a text from work asking me to come at 12 instead of 10. I called every salon with good reviews but none of them had availability. I ended up walking into Supercuts because I just HAD to have my hair chopped and soon. If not, I knew I would find myself with office scissors in my bathroom which would inevitably end in tears. There was a huge wait and I BARELY made it in and out with time to get to work, but I went for it. I haven't had any regrets. I feel like I didn't just get rid of hair but I got rid of all that I was ready to shed. 



I learned a lot about love and family. I'm sure lucky to have mine. I'm especially enjoying every opportunity I have to spend with this guy. 



Naomi saved my sanity more than a few times. This picture is from a night where plans fell through and I called Naomi and we went and walked around 30A and looked at art and food we couldn't afford. Then we went and ate food we could afford (Taco Bell), and finished off the night by dying her hair in our Bishop's bathroom. If you don't have a Naomi, get you a Naomi.



This is a super giddy, super nervous me trying to play it cool while really dying of joy internally. Does my face capture that? I got to meet Elder Jorg Kliebingat of the Seventy who I have admired for years. In 2014 he gave a talk that really inspired me and taught me something beautiful about the Savior. I studied it a lot before and during my mission. And then a few of my friends and I, on a whim, decided to drive to Jacksonville overnight to go to a conference, and this guy was the keynote speaker. AMAZING. He's sassy, and witty, and strong. I loved hearing from him. Seriously heaven sent. 

shades of February

I'm not sure how to get these feelings organized into words. And I'm not really going to worry too much about it. (If you're not into rapid fire analogies I would sit this one out.)

It's funny to me now that I once worried I wouldn't learn as much or progress as quickly at home as I did on my mission. A day hasn't come and gone without a new discovery and a connection with Heaven somehow. That's what matters isn't it?

Life has a new feel to it. A heaviness settling on my shoulders, a tear waiting in my eye, far-reaching thoughts continually trickling through my mind. It feels like an increase in gravity. It forces me to take my time. Things that once seemed simple now require increased effort. But I know it's supposed to be this way. I think this weightiness comes as a friend. It stops me from floating away. It reminds me of the significance of these moments. It's a long look into my eyes that leaves me wanting to be better. It's a plea for me to pause before I make decisions that will impact my forever. 

Things have admittedly become more complicated. Perhaps I've made them that way. It kinda sounds something I would do. Or it might be a result of everything ahead feeling wide open. I'm at a point in life where I'm supposed to be finding something though all I see is vast open spaces. I'm always looking around for something familiar, something to help me orient myself. I simply can't take an educated step forward without first looking back. I spend a lot of time with memories. I ache for them sometimes, but mostly I'm empowered by them. I can hardly find anything in those memories other than faith. Quietly woven through everything. I must use that faith to create, rather than hoping to stumble upon something when all I can see around me is horizon.  

I've learned this complex, heavy feeling is a package deal. It comes with an abundance of beautiful things. Belly laughs, doubts, 3 AM epiphanies, heartache, long talks, understanding, confidence and a lack thereof, questions, answers, unshakable love, connections, and I'm not sure if it's related or not but there seems to be a lot of dancing. 

With each new experience, with each new feeling, with each new challenge, I feel like I'm being introduced to a new color. Sometimes the color is funny, sometimes it reminds me of something that makes my eyes sting, sometimes this color causes a new kind of pain, sometimes I think this color is the most beautiful one I've ever seen. But no matter what shade it is, once I've experienced it, it becomes mine. It's a part of me. And once it's mine, I can paint with it for the rest of my life. I can use it to create with greater detail. I recognize it like an old friend when I see it again. I can appreciate when I see others who paint with this color too. 

I guess if we strip this down, I'm suggesting that life is wonderful. No, it's not as flowery and golden as I'd like it to be, but I quite literally thank God for that. Life couldn't be beautiful if it didn't suck sometimes. That's how we learn, that's how we discover, that's how we feel. Right now, I feel a little lost, and a lot happy. I feel overwhelmed and full of hope. I feel stressed, and wonderful, and alive. Whatever you're feeling now, I invite you to embrace it. Know whether good or bad, it won't last forever. This is your chance. Whatever you're going through, it has a purpose. This feeling is life reaching out to you. So feel it, let it change you in the best ways, and then paint.